KISSING IN TOILETS

Ever since I wandered into my first gay club here and watched a guy getting a hand job under a sofa pillow because it was his birthday I have been entertained without fail upon arrival at gay events for the past three years.

Walking into my first lesbian bar in Taiwan was like walking into a game show where I got to kiss blindfolded girls, do choreographed dancing with women who I could only talk to with a translator present and my grand prize included sunrises on a rooftop apartment and trips to the DJs bedroom for 6 months.

Other highlights include your neverending supply of beautiful, bewitching butches and your all-you-can drink lesbian club nights. Most of all I am grateful for the inspiration you have given me by being so unfailingly eager to entertain the lesbian community and having the most lesbian party production companies I have ever known. The time and effort put into throwing regular parties, that felt like carnivals and looked liked scenes from movie sets, has been more than appreciated.

In my time here, I’ve learnt that a Taiwanese lesbian is her own breed of psycho but she’s also more thoughtful than many. Through all your wonderful women I’ve shared a thousand and one nights that have taught me style tips, dance moves, how to make stony faced lesbian bouncers smile, how to turn down someone who doesn’t speak your language, but mostly, to say yes to any and all possibilities.

I admire your courage to be yourselves in a society that either thinks you’re going through a permanent “phase” or that you just look like a boy because that’s the fashion. I am proud that I got to attend your Pride festival, with the biggest gay pride march in Asia, for three years running. Now that it is time for me to travel to some of your neighbouring countries, I realize that you have spoiled me.

How will I enjoy Korea with it’s lesbian parties that only turn up the music to let girls dance for 15 minutes at a time so that things don’t get to “out of hand”? Will I have fun there when the music is turned down and people return to their seats to chat or are forced to go and kiss in the toilets – the only acceptable place to kiss at these parties?

How will I enjoy Vietnam where your gender is determined not by what you have between your legs but by who you are attracted to: “You like girls? Oh, then you are a man.” Will I get cruised while walking around Hoam Kiem Lake or is that strictly for the boys? In Indonesia, the largest Islamic nation in the world, will I even meet any out and proud local lesbians?

This is the part where I start getting apprehensive. Will my language barrier problems decrease or increase and will the future of my charades and Pictionary skills depend on that? After three years of being treated like a “celebrity” in gay clubs merely for being a foreigner what will become of my God-complex? Will a conservative Asian customs official make me unpack my luggage and unwittingly discover my dildo?

Regardless of all these little fears, it is time for me to go. It’s not you, it’s me. You’re right, I won’t find another country quite like you. Thank you for it all.

ABOUT KELLY SMITH
Kelly Smith is a freelance journalist who used to live in Taiwan. She is now passing her time in Thailand, Vietnam, Laos and Indonesia until her cash runs out and she has to grovel to Taiwan to take her back.